Confessions of a Sugar Free Failure

Update: This post is 100% honest and to help you not feel alone. I’ve now figured out how to get control of sugar and I’ve shared that here >>

I bought a heart shaped cookie cake for Valentine’s day.

Sounds innocent enough, but there’s more to the story…this is a long more personal post that is slightly embarrassing, but I try to be honest here and I think it’s important to recognize the healthy living journey is like an onion…we are constantly finding new layers. Confessions of a Sugar Free Failure - Maybe you don't have to be sugar free to be healthy and what really matters Anyhow, back to the 8 inch cookie cake.

Before the last few months, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to consider buying any kind of baked good. I’ve always had blinders on in that aisle.

But, I saw it in the weekly flyer and it looked really wonderful. All right it looked really sugary, filled with butter and topped with icing, and my brain shut down as I started to contemplate how it might taste…then David and I were walking through the store when he mentioned thinking about it too.

So on Valentine’s I went back to get ingredients for a nice dinner and I bought the cookie cake. I picked through the pile to find one with tons of icing because if I was going to eat it…well I was going to really enjoy it.

I bought an 8 inch heart shaped cookie cake, topped with lots of icing for David, right?

I was the first to cut in to it. I was the last to cut in to it.

I kept thinking, “once this is gone there won’t be any left in the house, so it’s no biggie”.

Unfortunately, I also said this the previous week when David brought home some special Heath Bar cookies and when I devoured a slice of red velvet cake all by myself, the week before that when my mom brought our special holiday cookies that disappeared far too quickly considering I was also enjoying restaurant desserts and coffee cake.

Oh and did I mention the bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels I scored at Marshall’s for $2…

SUGAR A WEIGHTY ISSUE

All through my teens and twenties, sugar was evil. It was a constant mental battle of wanting something off limits to me and when I would finally “screw up”, I gave myself a tongue lashing to ensure I was miserable about it.

The last couple of years I reached an agreement with my body that I would stop degrading it, I would start loving it and treating it as such. While I may still covet six pack abs that are unlikely to be fulfilled, I love my body.

I love what it does. I love how it fits in a pair of jeans. I try to feed it accordingly.

I’ve also come to appreciate that my body allows me on Fridays to feed it a slice of pizza or, as the last few months have seen, feed it sugar while staying slim.

Great so what’s the big deal, I’m indulging and maintaining my weight loss…

SUGAR THE BITTERSIDE

Lately, I’ve been decidedly out of control with sugar. Not in the I must control what I eat kind of way, but more in the sugar is controlling me kind of way. Each time I’d over do it {hello three buffet desserts at the Magic game} I’d remind myself I was still getting in 7-9 servings of veggies, but the effects of sugar start to override those good choices:

– My body stops recovering from workouts as quickly. I feel sore.
– My mood becomes sad or does that happen before the sugar {chicken or egg?}
– I’m replacing necessary nutrient dense calories with fluff.
– It gets harder to focus.
– I know I’m not being a good role model

In a cruel twist, the foods which I repeatedly crave the most are those containing my known food sensitivities. The body creates those cravings as it’s dealing with the inflammation from eating the offending foods! what cravings mean

I puffy heart this graphic, they did an amazing job putting together the examples visually.

SUGAR FREE CHALLENGE BACKFIRES

As I came to an agreement with my body about loving it and thus letting go of food guilt, I was able to enjoy a couple pieces of dark chocolate each day feeling totally satisfied. I wasn’t dipping in to David’s cookie stash or contemplating hot molten lava cake on vacation.

But anything good can be made better, right?? I decided it was time for a sugar free challenge.

I don’t do diets. I don’t like being told no. It might not be a great quality, but at least I am self aware enough to recognize it.

Knowing this, I have to ask myself WHY I repeatedly jumped on the bandwagon to try Sugar Free Challenges?

As with anything of this nature, the first two days involve a lot of patting myself on the back and some grimacing about what I can’t have. Then suddenly there is an event or a commercial or a trip to the supermarket where foods that I never noticed before seem to be leaping out at me.

Suddenly, I’m consuming more sugar than before the challenge started and I really need another challenge to set myself straight. I get angry at my lack of willpower, each night promising myself that tomorrow there will be “no more”, but there is…the cycle repeats and things seem to keep getting worse.

I suppose this is what it’s like for people who go on yo-yo dieting??

When I forget to love myself, I forget to think about food from the perspective of love.

But, how did it go from one sugar free challenge to indulging on such a grand scale for months??

The final straw was a 3 day juice cleanse.

I’ve always been skeptical about cleanses and it turns out I was right, they aren’t for my body. Juices are high in sugar. Sure lots of nutrients, but seriously high in sugar with no fiber or protein to slow it down. For someone sensitive to sugar this easily leads to craving more sugar when the juice cleanse ends.

And boy did it. First I had the “I deserve it for doing the cleanse treat” and after that it just became a habit to grab a cookie after a meal and of course to enjoy whatever free desserts were being offered during all my travels.

NOW WHAT?

I’m not swearing off sugar. I’m going to get back to the mindset of “I love myself”. Would I feed someone I love things that make them feel unwell? I hope not. Would I allow them a treat now and then, most certainly.

Other steps I’m taking:

Following the habit change process to stop the post meal sugar habit
Enjoying some downtime with a good book
Meditating
Preparing some healthy desserts
Focusing on more good fats and vegetable carbs
Focusing on nutrition that feels good

I won’t lie, this post was hard. It’s easy enough to criticize myself for bad choices without the worry that I’ve opened the flood gates to be judged by others {though I know you’re all far too kind}.

However, taking the time to write this reminded me of a few really important things:

my cravings subside when I stop eating foods I’m sensitive to
my cravings subside when I am getting enough high quality calories to support my training.
failure is one of the best tools for progress
I enjoy eating intuitively and it’s that process which helped me be aware of this issue

If you’re still with me then I hope this has been in some way helpful to you too and will serve as a reminder that there is a way back after we slip up and it doesn’t have to mean tearing yourself down or food deprivation.

2016 Update: I’ve found with changing to LHR training and eating high protein many of my cravings are reduced! I don’t avoid sugar, but I am not consumed by thinking about it either!

Further reading:
Understanding sugar is an addictive substance
How to handle emotional cravings
Managing detox symptoms
How to change when change is hard
Running is not a free sugar card

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