I’m not grateful for this 8 month journey of pain and frustration.
I know that’s not the kosher thing to say. I’m supposed to tell you how it’s made me a better person, stronger human, better runner, happier because I dug deep and learned so much about myself.
Of course it did. You can’t go through the tough stuff without coming out different.
I’m still not grateful for it. (or those bags under my eyes, yikes!)
I was in the midst of enjoying some seriously fantastic new trail running. Cherishing each mile, fast or slow, new places or old…seriously I wasn’t taking my runs for granted.
I’d just signed a contract with one of my favorite brands, who coincidentally dropped me the day before surgery.
I had goals and plans that got me fired up to go run.
I knew exactly who my “real friends” were already. I knew who would show up to make me laugh, embrace slow crawling hikes and send me notes of concern.
I was doing ALL the PT, cross training and SMART runner things to avoid an injury.
It was a fluke thing that I somehow bashed my knee and none of those smart things mattered one bit. I didn’t need this injury to open my eyes to anything.
New to this whole what’s wrong with her knee journey? Here’s the last 8 months:
Initial MRI + plus running without pain meds >>
Understanding limitations of cortisone shots >>
Knee Exercises for Meniscus Tear and Range of Motion >>
Uncommon pain relief techniques >>
How Did I Feel?
I’m not mad at my body or this injury. I’m not angry. I’m not sad. It just is.
While there were some high and low moments over the last 8 months, I still managed to do an awful lot of cool shit: Malibu running camp, Frisco biking, Dublin running, my first trail race and so much other stuff.
So if I’m not running around waving the banner of gratitude or grrr I’m so mad, what the heck am I feeling?
Frustrated
This mostly goes towards the doctors, who are part of why it took me so long to get to surgery. Initially I tried less invasive options on my own with manual manipulation and physical therapy, but once I knew those weren’t working I dove in ready for whatever we needed to do to fix it.
Each doctor took weeks to see, weeks to call me back, weeks to request another MRI, CT Scan, etc.
It took 4 Orthopedic doctors before I landed on the one who after looking at everything said, I think we can fix this pretty non-invasively. I don’t think the previous doctors were bad or wrong, they just hadn’t seen the things he had and were all trying to keep me running.
Broken
Yes, at times I felt broken. Running is where I sort through ideas, it’s where I cultivate words to create content that I hope is helpful or funny or inspiring on RTTF. It’s also how I mull over things that are happening in life and no amount of cycling or weight lifting or journaling gives me that same mental stimulation.
I feel like sometimes shat just happens, you deal with it and you move on hopefully for the better.
Empathetic
In 15 years of running, I’ve only had one other injury that took me out for months. My dear old IT Band was a real pain in the arse, leg and everything else until I learned all the tricks to manage it (checkout my ebook if that’s you).
Since then, I truly do all the exercise I share on the site and I moved into a place of enjoying my run regardless of the pace. Thus, I had forgotten all the emotions and mental craziness that goes along with an injury. This gave me a chance to reconnect in that way with so many of you, to gather information and resources that I’ve already heard have helped a bunch of you run pain free (particularly this knee taping!)
Do you have to be grateful for all the bad things that happen? Injury talk - #runchat Share on XStronger
Instead of just beating my head against a wall wishing I were running, I sucked it up and for the first time ever hired a trainer to focus on strength training.
3 to 4 days a week religiously since March, I’ve been hefting around weights and while it hasn’t miraculously changed my body shape as many would love to say it should, it has meant that running roughly 1/4 of my previous mileage I haven’t gained weight, but I have added muscle.
Post Surgery Update
I shared an update on Instagram, but for those who missed it here’s what finally happened in an exploratory surgery on Tuesday (Aug 22).
- Clean up of meniscus
- Clean up of cartilage
- Clean up of fat pad (this is an area behind the knee which looked to be dislocated for me)
- Laterally knee release (or realignment of my knee cap)
Thus far my biggest issue has been my stomach!
I haven’t cried once from pain, but did cry multiple times when we first came home because every movement swept me in to a wave of nausea that was horrific. You know that feeling right before you throw up that makes you sweat, color drains from your face and then…nothing. You don’t throw up so the feeling just hangs around, that was my life every time I needed to pee!
A few days post op, I’m still doing pretty great with pain, though I admit I didn’t anticipate being unable to bend my leg. It’s humbling to feel like you’re starting from zero, but encouraging each time you make the tiniest bit of progress.
So far haven’t really needed crutches, I made it to my first PT session and I’m now doing those exercises 3 times a day. The biggest issue for me is to keep the swelling down, which mostly was the doctors way of saying “DON’T BE A RUNNER, you can’t rush or push through this. If it doesn’t heal right then you’re back where you started.”
Again, I know every obstacle teaches us and that’s great…but do we have to be grateful for all the crappy stuff?
None of this is to say I’m not a grateful person.
I write in my gratitude journal daily and throughout this journey often it included things like “I’m grateful my knee allowed me 2 glorious hours on the trails with friends today.”
Maybe it’s because I had the benefit of mindfulness on my side this time, I just took each day as it came and now that’s how I’ll be handling recovery.
More to come as I know many of you are looking for exercises or what to expect after a knee surgery, but today I just needed to unload my brain a little. Thanks for your notes all over social media, I can’t tell you how important they’ve been to keeping my mood high!
Do you feel like you have to be grateful for the tough stuff?
What are you grateful for today?
Other ways to connect with Amanda
Twitter: @runtothefinish
Instagram: RunToTheFinish
Facebook: RunToTheFinish
Ireland Active Vacation: Hikes, Bikes, and More
lindsay Cotter
I can totally relate friend. And I’m here for you! <3 always.
Jennifer @ Fit Nana
You can totally make it out to the other side from this. Trust me! I completely detached my meniscus and, after months (like 7 of them) of dealing with Tricare and the stupid military hospital, I finally got out to see the civilian surgeon and he fixed me right up. 6 weeks no weight bearing, then 4-6 more weeks in the brace and 6 months later, I’m running 5-6 miles at a pop without issue!!
But, don’t get me wrong, it sucked. It sucked bad. I hated not being able to do things. I hated not being able to do the things that I wanted to. Every day I tried to find something I was grateful for. I loved my physical therapists – they helped keep me sane. And they helped get me back out the door.
YOU GOT THIS!!! I look back now and I fussed a lot, for what I’m just going to say is damn good reason, but I’m so glad I stayed focused and positive because, in the end, I think that’s what helped pull me through. Guess I need to be grateful for that. If you need to vent or just commiserate, I got your back. Let me know. :) *hugs*
amanda
Truly I’m not down or depressed, I 100% know I’m going to be running again. I’m just not going to be the one who says ‘I’m so grateful this shitty thing happened” ;)
Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home
Amanda, I totally feel you. I don’t know if you read any of my RA after the diagnosis posts but there was a lot of anguish last winter into spring. Frustration was probably the biggest feeling I had too. Frustration with my loss of endurance and inability to run a mile without stopping. Look where I am today. I am so incredibly grateful that I can run again. I know that the rug could be pulled out from under me again, without warning. I have decided to do as much as I can, while I can. So this summer has been amazing for me. I’ve still got some fun planned for the fall, so fingers crossed it all happens!
amanda
100% grateful for all the runs, but honestly I was grateful for every single one prior to the injury. :) I love your perspective always!
Aimee from Run Eat Drink Podcast @runeatdrinkpod
If I’m being honest, I’m wasn’t grateful for my knee surgery either. I was grateful for being able to come back to running but frustrated during recovery. I think frustration, anger, and sadness are a natural part of the process, or at least I hope they are because I felt all that.
Robin
Oh Amanda I get it. I was 8 freaking days out from a 50 mile race I trained over a year for. 90 mile weeks. I focused my whole existence on it and boom. It was over in a split second. I fought depression and anger for 1 year. Still battling more knee issues, I’m grateful for the miles I’ve run. My accomplishments. My journey. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck but I’ve learned a shit ton about myself. I force myself to express gratitude for everything I can still do. Just my perspective. Sending you love.
amanda
Oh I know you get it!! i think my perspective is more…i’m not a better person for it, I’m not angry, I’m not sad, it just is and I feel like everyone wants me to be so grateful for it, but I’m not. It sucked. ha!
AmyC
Wishing you the best during your recovery!
Marsha
Cheering you on! I understand knee issues. Last year I was grateful not to have to have surgery (I thought for sure I had torn something) but instead I have to deal with chronic arthritis so then I was wondering if I should’ve wanted surgery and get it over with instead of live with this forever. I’m adjusting and thankful to be. Ran a good 5K yesterday in fact. Thank you for being real and sharing the highs and lows of your journey and all you’re learning.
amanda
Ughh I totally understand that weird logic. You’ve done an amazing job of finding how to work with your body to keep going.
Erika @ Barbells & Bookends
Knee surgeries suck, I’ve had two one each knee. It was a rough time getting back to where I was before my injuries and my mood definitely wasn’t grateful. I can empathize with how you’re feeling and wish you the best of luck during your recovery. The picture of you sleeping with your cat watching over you was really sweet :-)
amanda
Thank you so much!!! I know because of all you that have come before me, I’ll come out the other side moving and grooving :)
Kimberly Hatting
Oh Gosh, I can so relate to all of this. I don’t know how much of my recent journey you have seen (emergency surgery two months ago to clean & flush LOTS of infected crap out from my right knee and surrounding area)….leaving me with a nasty 6-inch suture seam for the rest of my life. As you know, the knee is high-maintenance area to recover…the constant bending (or lack there of) is torture on a healing suture. The clincher is that this was kind of a fluke for me as well….a sudden bursitis flare (5 days before a marathon) that came from out of nowhere lead me to an (unplanned) operating table (I believe because one of my local docs blew off the seriousness of it). I also was doing everything “right” (no excessive miles, ample rest/recovery days, definitely NOT over-training, etc.), but fate stepped in and changed my course LOL I hope all goes well with your recovery…take care!!
amanda
Yes, I have seen your posts!!! totally thinking of you and knowing we will both get back to what we love, just sucking it up day by day in the mean time :)
Amy Lauren
Thank you so much for being honest. I hate reading posts about learning from injuries, always coming back stronger, etc. I got injured in February and while I am running and training again, still have not hit the race times or workout times I was hitting before (and I was out 6 weeks but cross trained the entire time and have been training again for months). This sport can be super frustrating and I feel like a lot of that gets sugar coated on blogs.
Also, I really hate that your apparel brand dropped you when you had surgery, but that makes me rethink the whole thing. If a brand, company, group, etc will not stick by you – or other athletes – at a low point… do you really want to represent that brand? It speaks volumes about their priorities and maybe it is money over people!
Emily Swanson
I’m grateful for your honesty, and I think that at times when I haven’t been grateful (or I should say many times), I look back on those really hard times, and I do realize that God worked it out for good (Romans 8:28) in my life even if it was really difficult at the time. Praying for you Amanda; I know it’s been really tough.
JODI
Love your honesty!! Thanks for sharing so many others don’t feel alone!! Much love and hugs to you, Coach!
Laurie
I can sure relate to this and I’m not even a runner. I remember how excited I was when I was able to get out of the car “normal” which means one leg at a time. It was such a thrill because it was my left knee that had surgery and when you are in the driver’s seat, that’s the one you swing out and step on as you swing out the right leg.
Things you never even thought about until you lost it.
I wouldn’t say I’m a better and stronger person from this, but it made me value my strength training so much more and I’ll never go into any surgery situation again without significant training BEFORE surgery. Need that good muscle tone for the support and recovery period.
amanda
I think that’s such a great point, it would be so fantastic if dr’s recommended strength training before
Katie Dawson
I so get this. Whenever we go through tough times, everyone is so quick to say, “Look at the bright side of things…” Sometimes I just need to sit there and feel my negative feelings for a bit and then move on. I know I’ll get through it and I know I’ll come out a better/stronger/happier/whatever version of myself. But in the moment? Let me pout a little. Sending you good thoughts and all the room to feel your feels whatever they may be! :)
MCM Mama Runs
Yeah, I’m not an everything happens for a reason or adversity makes us stronger kind of girl. You are doing a great job handling this though. While it totally sucks, you’ve obviously found a way to get through it.
And ugh, on the nausea – I hate that feeling.
Lesley
I’m 4.5 years into an ITBS battle. It seems everything about me is just extremely stubborn. I know the frustration, the anger, and I had “why me” moments. I’m having more fun with all my runs and races, but it sucked. I seriously could’ve done without it. I’m grateful for my stubborn streak since it hasn’t allowed me to give up.
Marcia
Heck no, you don’t have to be grateful for the shitty knee journey. I know whenever I’m injured, there’s always that little voice that suggests possibly I’ll never run again. That’s why getting back to running, however slow or pathetic, always makes me grateful. I know and you know you’ll be back like a champ.
San
Injuries suck! There is no other way to put it but what has to be endured has to be endured . Hang in there!
Kris
Good luck with your recovery! I’ve had 2 hip cleanups and neither was fun. or easy, so I know how you feel. For me, the injuries have basically taken away running from me, so the recovery has turned from physical to mental – and getting used to my new “normal” has been really hard. Hopefully you get back to your normal routine before long, keep us posted!
ChristineB
I totally know how you feel. I slipped and fell on a run in March and broke my ankle in 2 places requiring ORIF surgery. Am I thankful this happened? Hell no! Will I be a stronger, more empathetic person? Probably. But, since I’m not quite running again, I’m still frustrated that my favorite stress relieving excerxise has been denied me over several very stressful months I work. I’m just hoping the next 6-9 months go better than the last 6 have.
It’s totally ok to not be ok when something really crappy, like a serious injury or surgery happens.
I hope you heal quickly!!!