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Shoulding Yourself? How to Stop the Madness and Get Results

Last Updated on by Amanda Brooks

We’re all friends here right? So I can be totally honest with you…

I’ve had a case of the “shoulding yourself” lately, which has caused my productivity to dry up faster than my hair after being soaked in chlorine! Instead of “I get” to write about running or “I get” to go run, I SHOULD.

This is partially because my world has been topsy turvy with 2 weeks of hotel living and moving cross country, while still juggling my many Online Ninja hats. Meaning I should probably unpack, instead of writing an article, right?

On Thursdays I always show up with new running content and I have some things in the hopper, but you know what my creativity is in the tanks and no matter how many times I “should’ed” on myself, it wasn’t going to happen.

Should feels bad.
I should do this…
I shouldn’t do that…
I should know better…How to stop using the word should and start really making progress on what mattersEver feel like this after you read another great article? If I did everything, here’s what my day SHOULD include:

  • Drink a glass of warm lemon water as soon as I get up
  • Morning journaling to get the creativity flowing
  • Morning meditation to set the mood
  • Workout that includes of course a warm up and then stretching
  • Take a cold shower to get my metabolism going
  • Dress like a real human, fix my hair, put on make up (not a sweaty runner)
  • Making a high quality protein packed whole foods breakfast
  • Completing multiple wonderful online articles
  • Should also write an ebook, create an ecourse, apply to be a speaker and do more coaching
  • Listening to classical music while working (good for the brain)
  • Checking in on all social media accounts
  • Responding to every comment
  • Making and eating a whole food lunch
  • Looking away from my computer screen every 20 minutes to let eyes adjust
  • Using my standing desk all day long
  • Do a random act of kindness
  • PT exercises for hips
  • Cooking David and I a whole foods dinner
  • Have a meaningful conversation to reconnect
  • Watching something funny because we need to laugh
  • Find enough people to get 20 hugs a day (this is the magic number apparently)
  • Doing some evening yoga/meditation to unwind
  • Review my to do list for tomorrow and make sure they align with my long term goals
  • Read all the amazing emails I’ve subscribed to for information and inspiration
  • Vacuum, dust, do dishes – some form of cleaning
  • Mail Christmas cards (shoot buy Christmas cards would have to happen first)

Does that insanity feel familiar to anyone else??? According to every magazine I’ve read lately there are probably a few more SHOULD’s I need to add to the list if I really want to be in excellent health, smarter, happier and having a crazy mad love affair with my husband.

Tony Robbins is the one who really coined this phrase:

Everyone has a list of shoulds: ‘I should spend more time with my kids.’ ‘I should spend more time with a business plan.’ ‘I should lose some weight.’ I should, I should, I should.
People don’t actually change.
They just end up what I call, “shoulding” all over themselves.
Convert those “shoulds” into “musts” and your entire life changes.

While I agree with the statement that the things which are truly important we need to look at as MUST DO’s, there are about a million things that we need to stop feeling pressured to get done.

Are you should-ing on yourself? Join me in dropping something today! Share on X

I love this from the Chopra Center which shows that should is about more than just the daily overwhelm, it takes you out of listening to your intuition and knowing when to stop doing things that are no longer serving you.

How “Should” Interferes with Soul Guidance

Consider the times you’ve ignored your soul’s guidance. Chances are good that you did so because you thought you should.

  • The wedding invites are already sent, so you should go through with the wedding.
  • You’ve already spent so many years training for the job your soul wants you to leave. The money is good. It’s a secure job in an insecure economy. You should stay.
  • Your soul is telling you that you don’t have to take care of the elderly relative who treats you like dirt, but another part of you thinks you should.
  • You’re working yourself to death to pay for the fancy house and the private school, and your soul is telling you to simplify, downsize, and send the kids to public school. But you don’t think you should sacrifice their quality of life for yours.
  • Your soul doesn’t want to go to church anymore, but you should.
  • Your soul doesn’t want to hang out with the friend you’ve known for twenty years anymore, but you should.
  • Your soul doesn’t like the missionary position and wants to get down and dirty, but you should not let on that you fantasize the way you do.
  • Your soul wants to dance under the moonlight, but you should go to the gym.
  • Your soul wants to eat dark chocolate, but you should eat kale.

Stop Shoulding On Yourself - why you need to chnage your language to lose the weight, get the job or finish the race

How to stop the should-ing overload

There are a few questions and steps that can help get you back on track if should is taking over:

  1. Why am I doing this? Is it because I want to or because I feel pressured to do it out of history or someone else’s perception?
  2. Create a list of all your should’s, write them down as they come up…sometimes just acknowledging we’re saying it is enough for us to pause and realize how silly it is.
  3. See if you can re-phrase things to “get to” “must do” “choose to” or “want to”…if not then maybe it’s one that needs to leave your list!

How to stop shoulding on yourself

One final, very smart thought from The Art of Manliness:

I’m not suggesting you become a selfish jagweed in your quest to quit should-ing on yourself. Sometimes doing what you should means doing the honorable thing. We all have duties and responsibilities we have to fulfill even when we don’t feel like it. It will take some judgment and wisdom on your part to balance doing what you should and doing what you choose.

For example, you really should be faithful to your wife. That’s a no brainer. But should you stay at a corporate job you hate out of guilt that they need you even though you have a better opportunity somewhere else? A corporation that wouldn’t bat an eye before downsizing you? Probably not.

I am dropping the should’s today and going back to my little to-do list and focusing on all the things I GET to do.

What’s 1 SHOULD on your list that gives you anxiety and you can let go?

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Category: running coach

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Talk Less, Say More

    LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! Seriously, I LOVE this! I've been feeling insanely overwhelmed lately between a new city, new job, semi-new relationship, bills (and more bills), blogging, goals for next year, new projects for next year, the holidays, birthdays, self-imposed GUILT, etc etc…the point I'm getting at is that it's a lot and I totally get it. I battled this especially last week when they were talking about a work secret Santa…i SHOULD do it but I don't know anyone being so new (no one really knows me) and money is so tight that I'm not comfortable spending that (and who knows what the limit was)? So instead of allowing the SHOULD to take over, I very simply declined the offer to participate. At times I feel kind of bad and like I'm purposely excluding myself but at the same time, I did something that was ultimately the BEST decision for me! (sorry…long comment) ;)
    My recent post In And Out In Under 30 Workout

  2. Allie

    I SHOULD cook! Ugh, I hate it!!!! Otherwise I'm pretty good at "I get to" run, be with my kids, write about what I love, etc. I absolutely love this article and the title. You are awesome…but you knew that already :-)
    Maybe I can get a personal chef for Christmas?
    My recent post High Five Friday – 99 Problems

  3. MCM Mama

    I should do Christmas cards – after all, I bought them. But I'm out of bandwith and the only way it will happen is if I give up sleep. I think they'll be President's day cards again and I think next year we need to just not do them. (Or maybe I can pay my kids to do it LOL)
    My recent post My Wish List

  5. cpalentri

    I really should finish my 50 progress reports for my teachers this weekend….I know I will because then it won't be in the back of my mind and I can focus on my family, workouts and decorating for the holidays! My cards and boxes are done and shipped-I don't consider anything stressful during the holidays. I started a long time ago….kinda like being prepared for a race.
    My recent post 33rd season – it’a a wrap!

  6. lordstilllovesme

    I think I have had that same case of “shoulds” my entire life. Love this post. It’s given me a lot to think about. Thank you Amanda for talking about the hard stuff!

  7. @FITaspire

    The should I keep saying and haven't found time for is yoga. I really don't need to add anything to my plate though , you are right. if it happens great, but I'm not going to stress over it right now. LOVE this post – how did you know I needed this?
    My recent post Hip Exercises for Running

  8. leisonlife

    Best post ever and the timing couldn't be better! Girl, you hit the nail on the head with this one! I have been should'ing allllll over myself. But, I have started saying no. Just said no to going to my husband's holiday party, because I am just too overwhelmed right now and I knew it would not hurt his feelings. I decided not to send out Christmas cards, which is a big deal for me. I always feel that I must send them out to acknowledge all my family. I always feel like I should buy gifts for co-workers, but this year I decided not to, and I am okay with that. Baby steps, I know, but I am getting there.

  9. Kathy McElhaney

    This week I decided I am not sending Christmas cards this year. I should… nope! Maybe I'll send an email blasting saying, "We haven't changed much in the past year so pull out last year's card and hang it with any others you get!"

  10. Bryanna

    One should on my list that really isn't necessary but still causes stress is "I should be doing more with my master degree in nutrition" I have the credentials certification and the degree but yet I stay home with my little girl. I love staying home, and hope to work from home, but the world leads me to believe I am not as important if I don't have the fancy job.
    My recent post A Year in Review

  11. thisrunnersrecipes

    Right now I keep saying I should do yoga and I should send out Christmas cards, Usually, I'm pretty good at saying no to others (like skipping a holiday party that just didn't fit into the schedule and I just didn't want to go to, but I set a lot of unnecessary should's for myself. Although dark chocolate always wins over kale for me!
    My recent post Roasted Red Pepper Chicken Paprikash

  12. kristenk

    I love this post! I think this is something we all struggle with at some points in our lives. I felt a lot of shoulds when I lived in Philly, and I eventually ignored them and decided to move to Alaska because even though I had a secure job in Philly and was doing all the things I should have been doing, I wasn't happy and wanted more. It's scary to step away from what you think you should be doing, but it's so important!
    My recent post Friday Five: My Holiday Wish List 2015

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